Thursday, July 2, 2015
We have electric. Sort-of. Service was installed in the shop, and then a heavy cord run to the house. In the house is a tangle of extension cords, and we can only run a few things at once. Certainly not a computer. But that is not why I have not posted. My life is so far removed from what it was when I came here nearly 5 years ago. Back then, I was always in long skirts and a full headcovering, at home with my family. But life changes, and sometimes you have to change with it. Today you will find me at work, in pants and often a small doily headcovering (if any at all), then at class, clinicals, ride time, and almost never at home. It has been heartbreaking. And I will delve into what happened later, but suffice it to say that often we have laid out plans in front of us (even something vague, like thinking I would never work outside the home), and the Father says differently. It would be easy to say that these changes have not altered who I am inside, but that would not be honest. I still cling to my faith, but being forced out of my bubble has caused me to see things in a different way than I ever could as a....hermit. Some things have not changed...the kids are still homeschooled. Gary takes care of that. And we are still pretty much homesteaders, despite the availability of that extension cord for low-power appliances. But it isn't the same...and I don't know how to feel about it. I truly believe the Father guides our every step and uses EVERYTHING that happens to us. I just wish I knew what He was trying to teach me with some of the things He has led me to. Our oldest child turned 18 and went to live with her 'real' mother. Making the choices we tried so hard to protect her from. Our oldest son was placed in a treatment facility, from which he went AWOL, and is now also with his 'real' mother. But while he was in the treatment program, I was required to pay child support. Gary cannot work anymore, but does not qualify for disability because he was always self-employed. So it was on me to find a job. Being gone from home all the time and not being with my kids in order to pay for a program that obviously was a waste of time made me very bitter. I have just been released from obligation to pay since he left the state and is now of age, but I can't get back the 2 years I lost. And now I must continue to work in order to pay our insane tax bill, thanks to a re-assessment. It's easy to question: if the best thing is for families to be home together, why would the Father put us in this position? Why would we be led to do a farm exchange that meant selling in the future would cost us everything? Where should we be? Can we truly walk away from everything, or are we meant to work it out because He is growing our faith? One day at a time.