Helpmeet to Whom?

A few years ago I got a hold of a copy of the book by Debi Pearl Created to be His Helpmeet. I had heard a great deal about it on blogs and in homeschool groups. I have to confess to not really reading it, but simply skimming through the letters that were sent in and the answers given to them. I didn't directly disagree with anything said, but the book in general put my guard up, so I just set it aside and forgot about it.

This spring we received some boxes of hand-me-downs, though often there is more than clothing included in the boxes we get. There was a box of sewing materials which I gave to my oldest daughter. What I didn't know was that a copy of Mrs. Pearl's book was underneath the material, and my daughter took it upon herself to read it without permission (not only do we have a general rule that the kids are not to read books without our permission, we have a specific reading moratorium on this child because of the consequences of her reading books we had forbidden and the spiritual warfare that ensued). We found out this latest disobedience when she went 'off the reservation' and we found her journal on her bed- a signal that she wanted us to read it. In it she talked about how awful I was as a wife and how she wasn't going to be anything like me when she got married. She was instead going to do what Debi Pearl recommended in her book. So I had to take the time to go back and read the entire book.

Obviously if you have read anything here before you know I am a Bible literalist and agree with what it has to say on every topic- including the submission of wives to their husbands. I am glad to know that so many women are embracing the truth of the family as the Father designed it. I won't even go into the typical "I don't agree with everything the author says" because that is a given with any book aside from the Word. In fact, I don't want to write a review at all since I am busy packing and taking care of moving details. Instead, I found a blog that covers my concerns with the book in detail, so I'll leave this link as my opinion on the whole matter.

I do want to say as a blanket statement that marriage is never one size fits all. I found myself defending my actions to a girl who cannot/will not obey or honor her parents, yet she is already sure that she will be a better wife than I am because she will not 'tell her husband what to do'. And while I don't want to go into detail about what she is referencing (gleaned by laying with her ear to the wall and listening in on our every conversation) I will say with confidence that I do reverence and yield to my husband. What a girl who has never been married cannot understand is that each marriage is unique. If a man is aware enough to know that he is prone to melancholy and he asks his wife to 'snap him out of it' when he begins to doubt his abilities or his faith wavers, she is not only obedient to do so, she is loving! Obviously there is a right and wrong way to approach such a matter, but it is not for anyone else to determine her 'taking initiative' is wrong (whether it be the author of a marriage book or a girl looking for anything on which to judge her mother). I could give several other examples, but the point would still be that as long as a man and woman pattern their marriage after the Word, nobody else on earth has the right to judge that marriage.

Created to be His Helpmeet? Yes. But who has the right to determine what that should look like besides the man to whom I am helper?

PS- I would like to recommend instead The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. We did a study on this at church and it was much more balanced and helpful.

Still the One

10 years. It doesn't seem like long, yet my life before is a fading memory.

In that time we have been through the death of two parents and nearly a third, sold our herd of cows, had a baby, built a house, adopted 6 kids, three major health crisis, one court fight, more broken cars/appliances/plumbing/electrical than I care to remember, and a continual changing in our spiritual direction.

The funny thing is, when we got married we already felt like it was us against the world. Everybody was really against it at first. I was 22, he was 42. People kept saying it wouldn't work (except my dad, and he was the one person besides Gary that I really wanted on my side). So for our wedding, we picked Shania Twain's Still the One. It's amazing how much more it means now.

Still the One
Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday



They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong



You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night



Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin



They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong



You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night



I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

Boy, I wish I had a Camera!

Tonight I surprised my darling with one of his favorite dinners. It is not even comprehensible to me the things we have been through in the last 9 months, and they just keep coming. We were talking the other day about how we'll just have to find something to celebrate in the midst of it because there is no end in sight! He has been spoiling me lately, bringing me little surprises and doing things for me to make up for the stress we're living through, and I wanted to give him something in return.

So to bless him, I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes with the jackets on, corn roasted in the oven (because once you've had roasted corn, boiled can't compare!) and I planned it just right that when we were sitting down, I took a dutch apple pie from the oven and that made it the perfect temperature for a la mode (I tried it once with hot pie and it ended up melting the ice cream too fast and it was a mess). Nothing from a box- all homemade. Then while we were watching our weekly show together, I gave him a slice of pumpkin pie and a rootbeer float. As I am no longer on that hay wagon with him, I have to skip many of the treats, but just seeing his face was a treat for me! I love that man, and if everything (literally! I could write you a list) around me has to break or fall apart or go wrog, I can't imagne ANYONE else I would rather go through it with.

Covered by What?

I was thinking a few days ago about posting my/our views of the headcovering verses to go along with the post on how I make mine (which I plan to put up tomorrow). Then for some reason the topic has popped up on several blogs, so rather than be redundant, I will just post a link to Stephanie's answer which is great, and add the three points I was going to make in my own post.

*To those who say a woman's hair is her covering, I ask why the word ALSO is in verse 6?

*And if it is all spiritualized, then verse 16 cancels out all the other verses that say women ought to submit to their husbands, and that makes God the author of confusion (and a liar).

*And for anyone interested in original languages, check out the word for cover in the Greek!

κατα-κᾰλύπτω, f. ψω, to cover up, Il., Hdt., Att.:—Med., in tmesi, κατὰ κρᾶτα καλυψάμενος having covered his head, Od.; so -καλυψάμενος alone, having veiled oneself, Hdt.; and -κεκαλυμμένος Id., Plat.(1)

2619 κατακαλύπτω [katakalupto /kat·ak·al·oop·to/] v. From 2596 and 2572; TDNT 3:561; TDNTA 405; GK 2877; Three occurrences; Authorized Version translates as “cover” three times. 1 to cover up. 2 to veil or cover one’s self.(2)


Case closed.

PS- I wasn't going to get into the context of the chapter since I didn't think it was necessary, but someone else pointed it out and I decided to add it. Chapter 11 is literal, concise instruction for a group worship. The language does not shift from literal to figurative to literal again. It is all meant to be literal instructions.


1. Liddell, H. (1996). A lexicon : Abridged from Liddell and Scott's Greek-English lexicon (Page 407). Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.

2. Strong, J. (1996). The exhaustive concordance of the Bible : Showing every word of the text of the common English version of the canonical books, and every occurence of each word in regular order. (electronic ed.) (G2619). Ontario: Woodside Bible Fellowship.

Homemakers becoming Homewreckers?

Adultery Destroys Families
by Paul Tautges

Kerby Anderson of Probe Ministries has done extensive research on the subject of adultery in the United States. In an article entitled, The Allure of Cyber-Relationships (online affairs), he comes to this conclusion:

…adultery is becoming more common, and researchers are finding that women are as likely as men to have an affair. A 1983 study found that 29 percent of married people under 25 had had an affair with no statistical difference between the number of men and women who chose to be unfaithful to their spouses early in life. By comparison, only 9 percent of spouses in the 1950s under the age of 25 had been involved in extramarital sex. Another study concluded that by age 40 about 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become involved in an extramarital affair.[1]

How can Christians guard themselves from the destruction of adultery? Proverbs 2:16-19 provides some help. In four short verses, we are warned against two characteristics of adulteresses (what Solomon called strange women) and two tragic consequences of adultery.

Proverbs 2:16-19 To deliver you from the strange woman, from the adulteress who flatters with her words; that leaves the companion of her youth, and forgets the covenant of her God; for her house sinks down to death, and her tracks lead to the dead; none who go to her return again, nor do they reach the paths of life.


I. Characteristics of an adulteress (vv. 16-17)

A. She flatters with her speech

The strange woman uses ego-feeding words to trap her prey. “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech” (5:3). However, God’s commands will “keep you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of a seductress” (6:24; Cf. 2:16; 7:2). Beware of her smooth words for, “With her many persuasions she entices him; with her flattering lips she seduces him” (7:21). The end is certain: “The mouth of an adulteress is a deep pit; he who is cursed of the LORD will fall into it” (Prov. 22:14).

B. She forsakes her marriage covenant

The adulteress breaks her covenant with her husband, the “companion of her youth.” But, in doing so, she also breaks the covenant that she made with God. Solomon instructed his married sons, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18). But, you say, how can Solomon say that? He had 700 wives! Yes, you are right (1 Kings 11:3), but near the end of his life he saw the folly of his ways. He wrote in Ecclesiastes, “And I discovered more bitter than death the woman whose heart is snares and nets, whose hands are chains. One who is pleasing to God will escape from her, but the sinner will be captured by her” (Eccl. 7:26). The covenant of marriage is sacred and, therefore, must be guarded with godly jealousy. “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).


II. Consequences of adultery (vv. 18-19)

Charles Bridge calls this strange woman, “The slave of unlawful desire; having no guide but her own will; no pleasure but sensual gratification; quickly she becomes her own and her victim’s murderer. Her house is the land of death…Eternal death is her doom.”[2] Simply stated, adultery brings destruction. The text reveals two ways destruction comes.

A. Her life and family are brought to destruction (v. 18a)

“For her house sinks down to death” means that her own life and the lives of all those in her house will suffer the tragic consequences of her sin. No man, or woman, is an island. Our sin always affects others to one degree or another.

B. Her victims’ lives and families are destroyed (v. 18b-19)

Not only will her own “house” be destroyed, but “her tracks lead to the dead.” The Hebrew words emphasize physical destruction and death, which indicate that it is correct to conclude that sin is the origin of sexually transmitted diseases, which flourish in the immoral and, in many cases, lead to premature death. “None…return again…nor do they reach the paths of life.” Proverbs 6:32 says the one who commits adultery “is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it.” Proverbs 7 describes this blind stupidity in picturesque words: “Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would cost his life. Now therefore, listen to me, my children; pay attention to the words of my mouth: Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, do not stray into her paths; for she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death” (7:22-25, 27).

The most obvious biblical illustration of the destructive power of adultery is King David. Nathan the prophet pointed out David’s sin by telling a parable (2 Samuel 12:1-14). David then passed judgment on himself. At least four consequences of his sin were named.

David’s family would be filled with violence (“the sword shall never depart from your house.”)
David’s wives would be taken and defiled in public (Absalom fulfilled this)
David’s sin would be publicly exposed (what he did in secret is now known by all)
David’s son would die (“the child also that is born to you shall surely die.”)

Now more than ever we need godly wisdom to protect us from the destruction of adultery. Here are three practical ways to protect your marriage and family.

Nurture and delight in your love relationship.
“Drink water from your own cistern, and fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be yours alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress, and embrace the bosom of a foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, and He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray” (Proverbs 5: 15-23).

Commenting on this passage, Melvin Efaw, my wife’s childhood pastor (who recently went home to the Lord), wrote over twenty years ago:

There is nothing more beautiful than the exchange of marriage vows by a fine Christian man and woman. Friends look on and heaven listens in. In God’s sight they are holy and binding vows. They are not to be treated lightly. They are made to be kept. Yet today many young people plunge into marriage thinking that if it does not work out they can end the relationship and try again and again. God says that men and women have the right to enjoy only lawful pleasures. In Eastern countries the two sources of water supply were the well and the cistern of rainwater. Each house had its own well and its own cistern.

So each man is to have his own wife and each woman is to have her own husband. They are to enjoy one another only. They are to be true to each other. Some sexologists say that a marriage that is becoming dull can be helped by ‘healthy adultery.’ God says there is no such thing. He teaches that marriages are happier when one man and one woman are faithful to each other, and that in the final analysis sin against His laws can only bring misery and judgment.[3]

Flee lust.
“Do not lust after her beauty” (6:25a; NKJ).

“Everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt. 5:27-28).

Avoid spending time alone with the opposite sex.
“Now then, my sons, listen to me, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Keep your way far from her [the adulteress], and do not go near the door of her house” (5:7-8).

But what do you do if you find yourself inadvertently trapped? Learn from Joseph. When he found himself alone in a room with a powerful seductress who sought to overwhelm her prey, “he left his garment in her hand and fled, and went outside” (Genesis 39:12). Men, there is only one logical way to respond to the subtle, or not so subtle, advances of an adulteress: run for your life! “Flee immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

Let us guard our marriages as if our very lives and families depended on it. Because they do!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[1] http://www.probe.org/content/view/1191/173/

[2] Charles Bridges, Proverbs (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth Trust, 1994, orig. 1846), p. 19.

[3] Melvin V. Efaw, Practical Points from Proverbs (Huntington, WV: Self-published, 1986), pp. 6-7.

Distributed by www.ChristianWorldviewNetwork.com

Do These Numbers Terrify Anyone Else?

OK, I am not naive when it comes to pornography and the grip it has on the church. I have taught classes on the subject and how deeply and broadly if affects a marriage. I even had to say words out loud that I would have rather deleted from the english language, but knew it was essential to be bold and bring sin into the light. And yet, this scared me.

The Pornography Revolution
By Sean McDowell

At the end of last year I lead a class discussion on the topic of Internet pornography (I teach at a private Christian school in southern California). As we discussed openly with each other, a young man sitting in the back became noticeably disturbed by the conversation, which was evident by his body posture and lack of eye contact. He stayed after class to talk and confessed to me that he had been hooked on pornography for over six months. His dad would confront him, yet he would just lie directly to his face. This was not an ordinary kid, but a young man who grew up in a solid Christian home who had a great relationship with his father. He shared with me how he could control every aspect of his life but this one; and it was eating him up inside. This experience impressed upon me the following reality: every kid today is susceptible to the alluring power of pornography.

Studies show that about 40 million adults regularly visit Internet pornography sites (Microtrends, 2007, p. 276). That’s more than ten times the amount of people who regularly watch baseball. Which one, again, is America’s pastime? In fact, the ubiquity of porn is so great that it has now become the norm. Consider some statistics about pornography today:

*70 percent of porn is downloaded between 9 am and 5 pm. 20 percent of men admit to accessing it while at work.

*In 2003, Today’s Christian Woman reported that 53 percent of men at that year’s Promise Keepers Convention admitted visiting a porn site the week before.

*According to Leadership Journal, 40 percent of pastors admit to visiting a pornographic website.

*Revenue from Internet porn exceeds by nearly a 2 to 1 ratio, the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC (Microtrends, 277)

*25% of all searches are for sex, which is the number one search term people plug into Google and Yahoo!

*Sales of pornographic material on the Internet surpass the cumulative sales of all other products sold online (George Barna, Boiling Point: It Takes One Degree: Monitoring Cultural Shifts in the 21st Century, p. 223)

*70% of 18-24 year-olds visit a pornographic website in a typical month (Pamela Paul, Pornified, 15).

*Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is 11 years old (www.familysafemedia.com).


The Pornography Revolution

Consider three ways pornography has changed over the past few years. First, it is more accessible. People used to have to travel to seedy parts of town to get pornography, but now it comes looking for us—and our kids—while we surf the Internet or watch cable TV. Mark Penn, author of Microtrends says, “Where this may have the greatest impact is with teens who once bought illicit magazines, and then acquired videos. Now they have access through the Web” (p. 278). One result, he says, is that the age of first sexual contact is decreasing.

Second, pornography is now more accepted. Pornography is now seamlessly integrated into popular culture. Just ask yourself a simple question: When was the last time you heard the merits of pornography even being debated? For the most part the debate has died down, because it has become largely accepted. Women’s magazines regularly discuss porn but from a new perspective—how women can introduce it into their own lives. One Rolling Stones article said, “Until recently, public fraternizing with a porn star was pretty much a no-no; now it lends the musicians an aura of danger and intrigue.” A 2004 video game entitled, The Guy Game features women exposing their breasts when they answer questions incorrectly, available for X-Box and Playstation 2. It didn’t even get an “Adults-only” rating. In Pornified Pamela Paul observed, “Girls today emulate porn stars in the same way earlier generations gyrated to Madonna” (184). Pornography is largely accepted in society.

Third, pornography is more aggressive. Porn has become increasingly violent and nonconsensual. In one study, 25% of porn magazines showed some form of violence, ranging from verbal aggression to torture to mutilation, compared with 27% of pornographic videos. Usenet groups on the Internet depicted violence 42% of the time (Pornified, 58). The lines between hard-core and soft-core pornography are no longer distinguishable—everything is available easily online. Pamela Paul noted: “Soft-core pornography has become part and parcel of the mainstream media. The majority of men interviewed for this book [Pornified] did not consider Playboy—once the epitome of the genre—to even be pornography at all, because it doesn’t depict actual sex acts. ‘True’ pornography today is confined to the hardcore.” (5)


Pornography Shapes a Worldview

Viewing pornography shapes the worldview of young people (and really, all people). Sadly, pornography is now the primary place that kids learn about sex. In Forbidden Fruit, Mark Regnerus notes that, “Filmmakers understand that Internet pornography is certainly the primary—and for some, only—sexual education that teenagers now receive. Debates about whether educators will or will not address oral sex or anal sex or condoms or gay or lesbian sex are quickly becoming utterly irrelevant, since a few clicks of a mouse will bring any of us to a demonstration of exactly how each is performed and ‘experienced’” (p. 59). In one study, 60% of boys said they had learned “some” or “a lot” from porn” (Forbidden Fruit, 189).

The problem is that kids tend to think that sex online is not only real sex (sometimes it is), but normal sex. Consider just some of the implicit messages of heterosexual pornography: (1) all women want sex from men; (2) Women like all sexual acts men perform or demand; (3) Any woman who does not at first realize this can be persuaded with a little force.

Without exception, the more porn people watch, the more likely they are to believe that others are sexually active and adventurous. Porn gives the idea that sexual pleasure can be entirely divorced from a healthy relationship. In a study of 600 junior high school students over 66% of the males and 40% of females reported wanting to try out some of the sexual behaviors they had witnessed. In high school 31% of the males and 18% of the females admitted actually doing some of the things they had seen in the porn within a few days after exposure (Donna Rice Hughes, Kids Online: Protecting Your Children in Cyberspace).


Why is Pornography so Appealing?

Pornography meets a deeper need in many men (and women) beyond physical pleasure. For instance, porn depicts sex as an easy process, which is a welcome refuge for many young people from the difficult world of sexual politics they encounter every day. The user is put in complete control. In reality, men can reject women and make them feel inferior. But porn, on the other hand, offers sex without risk, vulnerability and humiliation. In Pornified, Pamela Paul says, “In the porn fantasy, a guy is no longer that tech geek that nobody liked in junior high school or the awkward college student lacking in social skills. In his mind’s eye—despite a paucity of dates and a sexual history confined to the girl from math class—he has always gotten the woman he wants.” (44)

Pornography is so alluring to young people is because many lack the healthy relationships God designed them to have. When we do not have intimate, healthy relationships, we are susceptible to all kinds of addictions, including pornography. In Hurt (2005), youth ministry expert Chap Clarks notes that one of the defining characteristics of young people today is their sense of loneliness from broken relationships with significant adults. No wonder so many are drawn to pornography.


What can we do?

Here are some quick thoughts for parents, youth workers, teachers, and others who care about reaching young people who struggle with Internet porn.

First, in talking to kids about sex and pornography it’s important to balance expectations with information. Most conservatives tend to talk about values, but not discuss the realities of pornography. Mark Regnerus, author of Forbidden Fruit, observed, “Balancing information about sexuality with expectations about boundaries is a rare but optimal approach to a well-rounded, morally sensitive sexual socialization and is appreciated by most teenagers” (204).

Second, Create open dialogue with your kids or kids you work with. Once again Mark Regnerus said, “Open dialogue about sex is clearly not the norm among devoutly religious families” (75). Be willing to listen, share, and engage in genuine discussion about this critical topic.

Third, don’t just discuss the negatives of pornography, but praise the benefits of God-ordained sex. Most young people are getting only a negative message about sex, but we have to show that God’s design for sex is clearly the best.

Fourth, never judge or shame a young person. Let them know that your opinion of them has not changed. Kids will shut down if they think you are looking down on them or judging them.

And of course, preach forgiveness and grace. Let kids know and personally experience the incredible grace of God. No one by their own strength can defeat the temptations of this world. In fact, it’s only when we truly admit our weakness that we can truly be strengthened by God to succeed.

A Warning

What I am about to say may step on some toes, and while it is not my intent to tell anyone what should happen because I am not in that place, my desire to share these experiences stems from the hope that I can prevent others from making the same mistakes.

I love my parents. I was the oldest of 4 children, and after #4 my mom had her tubes tied (tubal ligation). In our church this was perfectly acceptable. My father's sisters, though, were from a different church and did not believe in birth control. They also wore skirts and kept their hair long, as well as many other ideas my parents found to be foreign (homeschooling, wives submitting to husbands, etc.). My father's parents had raised them all catholic, and those who came to a different faith, including my dad and these sisters, did so as adults. I do not wish to name denominations as it will seem to be picking on others, and Christians should never attack one another.

So I remember my mother making her astonished faces when something would occur such as someone having a baby at home, a six year old boy who could not yet read, and a woman asking her husband for permission to go somewhere. My mother was also raised in the church I was, but my grandmother raised 6 girls on her own after her husband's suicide. So my mom was part of the women's lib age as well as from a household of women only. She married my father just shy of her 17th birthday, and attended her senior year of High School as a married woman. I came along two years later.

I remember being pulled toward God from a very early age. I don't know if I was more in tune spiritually or just a more sensitive person, but I was very aware of Biblical truths. At least truths as I understood them. It was confusing that certain Bible verses were to be adhered to strictly, and others were not. And I grew into an understanding that a Christian could continue to sin because of the safety of salvation, though I knew better in my heart and gut. I spent several years of my young adulthood sinning openly and not feeling great about it, but not changing it. I met a man and decided to marry him, but had that nagging feeling in my mind because he was not a Christian. So I asked him to be baptized. But I knew that wasn't enough. I decided to take the 'wait and see' approach.

When we married, we were running a dairy farm and had no helpers. We spent all our time on the farm. I felt we should be in church, but chalked it up to God understanding because he made the cows that had to be milked twice a day. Then I became pregnant. I made an appointment with a midwife who worked out of a doctor's office. I had by this time come to see some things in a different light, and thought this would be the best of both worlds. What I did not know was that these midwives answered to the doctors for everything, and therefore I was being cared for by one person while someone I did not know was overseeing it. I was at this time on medication for an under active thyroid, and I felt completely exhausted much of the time. I spent one night in the hospital for dehydration and was later put on bed rest for toxemia. Two weeks before my due date I was to be in my best friend's wedding, and on the way to the rehearsal dinner, I was side-swiped by a teenager. I spent the night in the hospital hooked to a monitor, was released in time for the wedding, and then went home tired and scared. A week later the midwife checked the baby's approximate size and found it to be at about 8 pounds, and because of my continual swelling, she asked the doctor to induce me. He said no.

A few days later I ended up in the hospital because of swelling again, and this time we got the OK to induce. I was given Prep-i-dil to dilate my cervix, and I lay awake all night wondering what would be next. At 6:00 a.m. my water broke. Throughout the day I was given some kind of narcotic drugs, and then finally an epidural so I would sleep since I had not had any rest. About 11:00 pm I started to push, and pushed with all I had for an hour and a half. Nothing happened. Then I felt something snap in my back, and I was in agony. My blood pressure shot up and I started to black out, so I was taken to the OR for a C-Section. As they put the gas on my face and I started to fall asleep, I could hear the anesthesiologist yelling for something, and I thought to myself that I was not going to wake up. But I did. In recovery with a searing pain in my bladder. I had been given a catheter that was inserted wrong. The doctor came over and told me it was no wonder I couldn't get that baby out- she was 9 lb. 11 oz. I spent some time in recovery and then was taken to a room. Several hours later a woman came in and handed me a baby that she said was mine. I thought to myself that she could be wrong.

During my hospital stay, I was constantly plagued by migraines. When I get one, I go blind. How was I to care for a baby when I couldn't see? I also developed PUPS, which is some kind of pregnancy hives. I talked the doctor into letting me go home after 2 days because I had spent so much time in the hospital already. The nurse forgot to give me a prescription for iron pills, so by day 8, I was horrible weak and dizzy all the time. And then I spent the winter alone in our tiny house with a baby because my husband was working 18 hours to keep the farm going by himself. I felt guilty, but I couldn't do anything about it.

After all of that, and my husband's fear of more kids to care for without anyone to help on the farm, I started to think of having my tubes tied. I asked the midwife, and she agreed to it. Then the doctor agreed to it. My husband didn't object, so I thought that must be the way I was supposed to go. The surgery was done in June. Because we did want more than one child, we began to look into fostering and adoption. We got our license and a new house, and started taking in kids. We had a group of 4 for two years and then the county got permanent custody, so we adopted them. It was around this time that my husband mentioned wishing we had had one more baby. My heart sunk. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I regretted it, too. I was envious of others who were pregnant. We had picked out boy names and never got to use them. And then I stumbled across the Duggar Family. And from there the Quiver Full Ministry. And then Unless the Lord magazine. After just one article, I realized what I had done was no different than abortion. I took away the control of my family from God because I did not trust him to know what he was doing. I cried out to God and confessed my sin. I asked my husband to forgive me. And I started to tell people. Not in general announcements, but in private conversations.

I prayed for guidance on the idea of a reversal surgery, but because of the debt we are in (I didn't know what a sin that was) and our not having insurance, I do not feel God is calling me at this time to have the surgery. But I know God can heal me if he so chooses. I also know he can take even our sins and use them for His glory. Were it not for what I had done, would we have adopted those children he planned for us? So my prayer is two fold: One, that God will heal my body and allow me to have at least one more child, not only to show His great power, but also to settle in my heart that I am forgiven. TWO, that no one else will ever make the mistake I did.

So I cannot tell anyone what is right for their situation, but for me, what I chose to do was a sin against God. There are endless possibilities to what might have happened. If I had found an independent midwife, would I have fared better? If I had been allowed to eat and walk instead of being pumped full of Pitocin, would I have fared better? If I had followed God's commands to be bold and not lukewarm, and therefore married a man who was a believer instead of trying to bring him to it afterward, would he have stopped me from the surgery? These I cannot know. At least not this side of Heaven. All I can do is begin right where I am and go forward.

Courtship vs. Dating

With so many girls, we often hear about how miserable we will be when they are all hormonal teenagers worrying about boys. We often don't get time to explain how we know for sure that it won't happen in our house. For one thing, everyone needs to learn to control themselves regardless of what is going on physically or emotionally. It may be harder to be cheerful and diligent when one does not feel well because of hormones (PMS), illness, injury, or any other hindrance, but it is not impossible. And even when we are not capable of even smiling a great deal, we can certainly keep ourselves from inflicting misery on those around us with no cause other than our desire to not suffer alone. So I do not fear the 'hormonal years'.

The second aspect of that will also not occur in our home because our daughters will not be preoccupied with boys or dating. We believe only in courtship AFTER the couple involved are prepared for marriage. I believe it is asking for trouble to take a girl and boy who are not yet fully developed physically or mental, place them in a situation where they give their hearts away to another without a serious goal of marriage in mind, and except them to be able to make wise decisions in the process. The true goal of dating is marriage, and why put someone in the marriage training situation who is not ready for the covenant? That is like allowing a 6 year old to drive a car in preparation for the day he or she is old enough to actually drive it. This 'practice' driving is not cute, does not create a better driver, and places demands on a body not ready to fulfill them.

There are some who say dating in the secular world is dangerous, but Christian young people can be girlfriend and boyfriend without there being any problem. This is false, and I know from personal experience. I met a boy at church camp who I later discovered would use crying during the Bible time as a way to get girls to hug him so he could feel their bodies next to his. he also proclaimed Christ in the light, but in the dark was blatantly living contrary to anything I could think of as Christian. The really sad part is that I did not know this until I had wasted many years and opportunities of my life on this boy. We ended up going away to college together (not a Christian college) and I gave up many opportunities to serve God to wait on this boy to become a man. He knew how to speak the Christian language enough to convince me that he needed me to help him overcome his selfish, sinful ways, and I was convinced that it was my mission to save him.

The first danger in such a situation is that cunning boys (or girls) have been trained enough in the church to know how to use the Bible or godly desires against a person. There was a great deal of pressure to participate in fornication, and the answer to argument was always that in the Bible, an engaged couple was considered married, or Joseph wouldn't have had the power to have Mary put to death if he had chosen. Not forgetting the fact that we were never actually engaged, he was taking scripture out of context and ignoring other more plentiful warnings against sexual immorality. But we went to church together on Sunday and I had the girls of the church to my dorm for Bible study, so I felt again that he believed but needed help and time to discover the truth. Yet no one could save him but Christ, and I lost that knowledge somewhere in the middle of the emotional rollercoaster. Dating is not good for anyone.

What I should have done was:

1. Waited until I was ready to be married before seeking out a marriage partner.
2. Consulted my parents, who I learned had seen through his false righteousness.
3. Listened to God. God would not call me to serve him if the act of that service would have been contrary to his will. So if my going on a semester mission trip would have ended our 'relationship', that relationship obviously wasn't God's plan.
4. Listened to my heart sooner. I knew this was not what I wanted. I could see my future already and it was not joyous. I knew I would forever have to be checking on him to see if he was being faithful and really going where he said he would go. But I felt I had already invested so much, and maybe just a little more would produce a miracle. Yet it is not for me to create a miracle, because only God can produce such a change (hence the meaning of the word miracle)
5. Not spent as much time alone with him.

So because of my great deal of knowledge about dating, and even dating a 'Christian', I asked my husband if we could consider a courtship approach for our kids. He had never heard of such a thing, so he began to read on it and prayerfully decided it was the right thing to do. Praise God!

We obviously don't know every detail yet as to what we will do since none of our kids are of marriageable age. But for right now, the keys are not allowing them to think in boyfriend/girlfriend terms about anyone and preparing them for the future when anyone who desires to be united with them will be willing enough to be honest with our family about all matters. Because infatuation can rob a good sense of discernment, we want to be a part of every step of the process in order to protect and support our children in what will be a lifelong decision.