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Sunday, February 22, 2009


We watched the new movie Fireproof last night, and it left me with a stomach ache that is still present this morning (even after Tums and water). I won’t give away the plot, but the gist is that when marriage gets hard, people find out what real love is- because it is not based on feelings. Real love is the choice to do what is best for someone regardless of whether they have earned it. It was a kick in the stomach to me for more reasons than the obvious.

Gary and I have had quite a rough patch lately. I will tell you that the stress of ironing out the details of the problem we’ve been working on for over a year are the precursor, but we also both know better than to use our spouse as a rug-beater. The movie was a reminder more than a shocking awakening when it comes to us, though, because we’ve discussed before that even when things get rough or we aren’t ‘feeling it’, we committed ourselves for life. What surprised me is how convicted I was by the movie over my attitude toward some of my children.

In watching the extras on the DVD, the director said a certain scene was the crux of the whole movie, because the main character (played by Kirk Cameron) realizes that the frustration he feels over his wife’s rejection is exactly the same way he has been relating to the L-rd. He cannot show her real love because he has not experienced it himself.


As much as I might argue in my head that our kids should feel gratitude toward all that we have sacrificed for them in order to fully accept and understand what the Father has done for them, the fact is that in my own mind, they don’t deserve such grace because they have not earned it. In light of what we saw last night, I am faced with one of two choices: either I haven’t experienced that unearned love myself and therefore don’t understand it, or I have and am being stingy in offering it to others. That is not a mirror I like looking in to.

I have let myself become a barren desert when it comes to one child in particular, and know fixing it will be excruciatingly painful. I have even thought to myself lately that I will not be in heaven because I cannot forgive her (Matthew 6:14-15) but have to honestly consider if being able to hold my grudge is worth the cost of my own forgiveness (and for so much more). Because I am so utterly addicted to the Father, there really isn't an option. I will not come before him like the man who was forgiven a large debt and yet refused to forgive another's debt.


NeeCee said...

I want to give you a word of hope. You said your feelings are like a desert towards one child. This is what I am believing for you:

The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. Isaiah 35:1-2a

God will make your desert break forth and bloom! You both will emerge from this time rejoicing and shouting for joy!! God said it and I fully believe that for the both of you!!

Humble wife said...

Hugs for you. Isn't the not perfect thing the hardest to swallow? Knowing that we are sin filled when perhaps we wish not to be.

You are not alone in your burdens and rightly so understand that He will comfort you.

Leave it at the cross,,, over and over and over until it stops weighing you down.

JEANNIE said...

The place where we worship hosted this last Saturday(Valentines Day) and even though my hubby is still on deployment I went any ways to watch... I also related so much to that movie and all the scenes, I too was convicted in areas that I thought were already been dealt with. Did you know that in the far away kissing scene that it was Kirk Cammerons real life stepping in for that shot, because Kirk keeps his vows seriously regardless if its for a movie or not he will not kiss another woman except his wife, I thought what a wonderful testimony to a man who is devoted to his vows before HIM, the Lord and His Wife.

Andrea Cherie said...

Fireproof was a fantastic movie! I went and bought it the first week on DVD! Last week I even had the opportunity to watch it with my un-saved friend whose marriage is struggling! Seeds were planted :)

Very good thoughts on how it relates to you & your child too-funny how God uses things to minister to us in ways we would've never thought!

Fruitful Vine2 said...

Hubby and I also saw the movie and plan on showing it to the church next Sunday evening. Isn't it amazing how God uses anything to speak to us about things He wants us to deal with. Continue walking the honest path my friend and sister. I pray that as you deal with this issue that you have been convicted about that your heart will become more whole.