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Sunday, May 9, 2010

Why I Hate Mother's Day

I am bumping this post from 2008 as it is just as applicable today. The money is super tight until we get moved as we have to fix things up here and put the earnest money on the new farm as well as pay recording fees and other expenses associated with selling and buying, but I am in desperate need of clothes. I always put it off, hoping to lose weight and buy clothes in my goal size, but I realized that I had nothing decent enough to wear even to the attorney's office to sign papers, so my two middle girls talked me into buying a skirt, two shirts, and a nightgown when we were at the store. As nice as it was to have two of the kids finally wanting to see me blessed on Mother's Day, the other extreme was waiting at home from the daughter who feels this gift will eclipse her birthday next weekend, especially since we already said no to a DQ ice cream cake ("So there's money to buy you something, but not me!?!?"). With adopted kids, it is often 2 steps forward, one step back, or more accurately two kids forward, one stationery, and one running for the hills behind you. But I am not complaining- I know in spite of all this just how blessed my life is. ;)

Why I Hate Mother's Day (May 9th, 2008)
Pretty strong words, I know. There is just no other way to explain my revulsion for this 'celebration'. For most mothers, it is surely a day or pampering, honor, and warm feelings. In our house, it is instead a reminder that I am not really the mother to 6/7th of the children who reside here. The little kids would never think to make that statement, but their older siblings make it for them. Without fail.

At the store, if anything is mentioned by the kids about buying a card or gift, it is generally intended for their birth mother. I said before that I would never begrudge my kids the memories of their mom, and I am always willing to send what they wish to her so that they don't feel the need to 'choose'. But when I overhear my husband in the next isle cajoling someone about buying a card for me, and I hear the "I don't want to" it makes me wish I had the power to un-do the current calendar. Even if 4 kids are perfectly happy with me as their mother, it only takes one to ruin the mood. Just one kid sitting cross-armed at the restaurant in protest of anybody even thinking to pretend that you are a mother worth honoring will kill the day. I find each year that the approaching day makes me more and more tense. This year I had an emotional meltdown on Thursday, which still leaves 3 days of suffering after it.

My husband allows me to buy something for myself, but it feels like I am cheating. Gifts on Mothers' Day are supposed to be from the kids who are so grateful to have the mother that they do. It feels like one more instance of pretending for me. Friends wish me a happy day and our church usually passes out bookmarks to all the mothers, but as far as a personal celebration, I would just as soon fast-forward to May 12th. It is, for me, a farce.

I said this not to dampen the joy of anyone else's special day, but as a little reminder that not every mother is so greatly appreciated. If this is your first Mother's Day as a foster/adoptive mother of RAD kids, you have my sympathy. If you are a 'real' mother who is the recipient of flowers, jewelry, lunch, cards, and most importantly adoration this weekend, remember that you are especially blessed. Some mothers have the full time job without the benefits.


Bren said...

Oh gosh Amy, I am so sorry. I do understand and have experienced to a degree what you are talking about. I think mother's Day is different for me. I tend to focus on my own mom more than myself. I also think maybe we could look to God, who created us to be mothers to these children who do not appreciate us a whit! I know Brenda also wrote about this on her blog and has a terrible Mother's Day for the same reason you do. I do admire you for allowing your kids to still send a mothers day card to the bio mom...I am SO thankful we do not have to deal with any of that. I think my heart would break. ((((hugs)))) to you...a WONDERFUL mother!

laurie said...

I cant imagine. Hugs.

Swylv said...

Well you may not be my physical mom but I gain much wisdom from your post as a Titus 2 woman. So from me to you:
Happy Mother's Day :flower bouquet and hugs:

Maybe as the child(ren) who don't consider you their "real mom" age and mature they will come to see that moms are the ones who are there for us, nurture us, teach us, and even discipline us...and then they will realize you are there REAL MOM.

praying for you

and if these kids are tweens ... it could just be a 'tude/phase/hormones etc...especially if they from their own actions get in trouble a lot, I'm sure they like to throw the "real mom" phrase around

Jeannie said...

I may not have the same reasoning as you do in regards to Mothers, my disdain for the holiday comes to that, another holiday that has lost its true meaning... Its now all about the best card, best place to dine with momma, the best gift for momma ect. Its all about the marketing. My husband and I feel the same way about fathers day. So we pretty much keep low key, besides we have seen this day place alot of stress on young children to try and come up with the best Moms day gift, and thats just sad. I prefer to tribute that special person everyday in the way I love my own kids, and those around me.

NeeCee said...

I so understand this. Usually, we don't do anything special on Mother's Day because of finances, but this year, I think my husband realizes I'm toast. This year, he is really trying to make this day special. He got me potted roses, some of my favorite ice cream, (and an alarm on Shane's door, so I will still have it come tomorrow.) and he plans on doing all the cooking tomorrow. I get to take off title of "mom" for one day. If it involves something more than rolling over, I'm not doing it. I'm a crispy critter!!

dccdmom said...

This year I received a beautiful, heartfelt card and a small gift from my 21 year old stepdaughter. In the card she apologized for much of the junk we went through as she was growing up and thanked me for being part of her life. I've been her stepmother since she was 7. This was the first year she gave me something that was her own idea and didn't have ulterior motives for. Hopefully someday your adopted children will appreciate you too.